Life of Late

Sometimes taking life too seriously is a disease that eats away at your soul. Fortunately, only about a quarter my soul was gone this time before I decided to take antibiotics.

The Second September

A September ago now I had a wonderful trip. There must be something magical about that little ex-church in the center of Nashville... it somehow pulls you and throws you into a place somewhere quite far away actually. Last September, it was away from the hell of a new life that I had found around me. From the groans of my soul and the constant lump that burrowed in my throat. And then he came out, dressed in those colorful wings, as if he knew exactly where he would take all of us and was merely toying with our sense of stability. "What the water wants is hurricanes," Sufjan humbly spouted to the crowds on his opening lines. "I have a red kite; I'll put you right in it. I'll show you the sky." And that's exactly what happened.

This September another escape occurred, though one of slightly different dynamics. My soul was not rotting; my times have not been hard. My times have just been nonexistent. I sit here and I honestly cannot remember the last time I had the ability to sit and think, not worrying about a meeting I had in five minutes or a paper that was waiting to be written. But yesterday, a Irish man once again used the Ryman as a portal to access another world. It was a world where time didn't really seem to flow at all, where my busyness was drunken away. And it was incredible. What an experience. Even without his beloved Lisa, his vocals that soared from one extreme to another made up for the difference. Clocking in at an hour and 45 minutes of straight playing time, unsupported, it was a gem of a night. The famed drunken "Cheers Darlin' " finale couldn't have been done better, and I don't think I've ever seen an exit from the stage as masterfully executed and as appropriate to the evening as the one that played out before my eyes there, bringing me back to the present world a new and freed person.




Two different Septembers and two different circumstances, yet the same effect. September at the Ryman has brought me into the year once again. I wonder what will greet me for the next one.

Bongo vs. Smile

As much as it has felt like home, upon returning to Belmont a few weeks ago, that is, I have realized that I have been deceived. But as I finish up my first (of many) Bongo porch happenings of the year, I realized that I am now, truly, home. Belmont could not exist without this quaint porch, as so many of my friends have earlier stated, probably in ways much more eloquent than myself. But this Bongo trip was marked by a peculiar occasion. Smiles. Yes, I was quite taken back really. Not that I was never given smiles by the wonderful baristas and such, but the overwhelming "I don't give a (fill in expletive as according to your degree of hard core-ness)" attitude is a hallmark at this place. And now, I stand at the coffee prep table getting all the my precious toppings with which I am about froth my coffee, and smiles are invading my personal space from everywhere. From all the employees -- one of which are even humming and another even taking the time to ask my how my day was thus far. Just now one came up to me, offered to take my plate, and then had a conversation with the chap sitting next to me about how he loves his dog. To top it off -- wonderful friends that give some the best good morning hugs I've known just made their presence known as well. I really don't know what just happened. I am not sure to be happy at the sudden turn of happiness or not. Peculiar dilemma. humpf

Summer 07, A Playlist

Uh-hum.. *clears throat*... My summer playlist is finally here. A little late, but hey, it's only Labor Day, right? I thought about pulling out a quote from each of the songs like I did last semester, but quite frankly, I'm too busy and tired to do that this time 'round. Let me know if you wanna hear the songs and I'll figure something out. Hope you enjoy. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

A Reprieve and a Return

Thank you for allowing me the break from this addiction/burden that I needed. Starting my second year at college and getting everything lined up that needs to be lined up has been more taxing on me than I thought it would, though I feel great about where I am. I took this Friday night, after some casual Wii playing with some friends, to spend with God and reflect on where I am and find guidance for where I am going. In my journal gazing, I ran across some timely words:

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
-- John Shedd

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn't really matter."
--unknown

Thoughts, Sunday, August 12th, 2007, 11:47pm

Staring, hoping, into the dark chasm hanging up above, that some of those lights will flash before my eyes again, leaving its tail behind for a few seconds for dramatic effect. Mesmerized is a good word, I think. It's things like meteor showers that have opened me up again lately.

And it's things like gliding, flying even, above what almost seems like glass while that golden orb takes its final bow to complete its performance in yet another act of the story of the cosmos. Standing on the edge of that big boat, admiring the Caribbean water, which really is quite as transparent as your imagination would have dreamed of but never quite hoped for in fear that it could never live up to the expectation. On this day there are no waves, and even the subatomic particles only God is small enough for remain fixed and calm. You really are soaring above a sea of glass. And to make it that much more impalpable, untouchable, sacred, just as you thought it was already too much, a creature, a magical creature, a dolphin, makes her dramatic appearance. And then another. And another. And there's a family of them--all dancing as the sun sets gently over the waters.

Or how it turns into the great abyss. Completely dark in every directions. It's really no wonder they thought you could fall off the edge of the world. I almost believed it myself. The tiny lanterns hung up above are magnificent. There must be a million of them. Almost. You could try counting, but I'm pretty sure you'd never get to an end. New ones always seem to slide out from underneath their cover, only very dimly at first. And the longer you stare, the more you see. But never to be outdone by the Old Man himself, shining down quite pompously to his subject Earth. His rays getting wider and wider as they approach on the water. And however fast your vessel is moving, on the water, the rays never cease to follow, the moon with a sly grin at your futile attempt. Impressive he is, though. The guardian of the night sky, keeping all in order in stead of the now resting sun. What a portrait set before you. What a symphony of colors and emotions. The wind in your hair reminds you that you are alive. Not in a metaphorical, adolescent kind of way, but solemnly alive, taking a breath and then one after that. That you have blood running underneath that flesh of yours. That you exist in something bigger. That your life is connected, even to the wind in your hair that will inevitable continue and rush into another innocent admirer's hair on the next ship 25 miles behind. Connected in those rare occasions that lights are seen somewhere on the horizon. Connected to the life it mandates. Some lighthouse, some village, some fisherman in his boat... some soul that is breathing along with you.

All of these things I have experienced in the last week have been a growing signal to me. A wise high school English teacher once tried to teach me about life--and against my arrogantly futile internal attempts to stop her (my 17 year old mind was obviously much more aware of my world than she was)--apparently she succeeded. I'm not sure if she even tried to teach me about life, come to think of it. I think it just happened out of her passion for it. For the gritty, raw, aspects of it. But as Mr. Camus rightly screams from his pen, so she screamed from her living, the utter importance of action and reflection. The gravity of doing and then being what has been done. And strangely enough, it has made a lot of sense of life lately. The coming of April and Displace Me marked a new chapter in my life. I moved past the cage that had become reflection into the freedom of action. And that path took me out of my wallows, out of the rut, and into summer. Honestly, I haven't looked back.

Until the meteor shower. Until the sunset. Until the night at sea. It crept back into me. And the more and more as I clutch this pen, I know. It's here again. A new chapter, a new reflection. Even as my life is inevitably going to erupt into busyness, responsibilities, deadlines, and events, it won't stop my pen. It feels new, it feels fresh. I feel that this chapter is going to be positive--one of new realizations, of forming into the new man that I am becoming. And I am gladly welcoming this positive spirit that has seemed to have invaded me. You are welcome any time.

The kiddos (said in presumptuous nose-in-the-air because I'm a cool college kid tone) are sleeping now--waking up in only a few hours to find the first day of school staring them down. A chance for new beginnings, new somethings, new anythings. And I would be lying to myself in some small sense if I did not say that at least part of me were jealous. I mean not really--but the excitement of seeing those familiar faces again, of the opportunities the year would bring, of figuring out how I would define the new year: the semester's play, model UN, a new girlfriend, my AP classmates as we battled for that coveted 5, the campus ministry; of the prospect of another season of friday night football, of before school/after school hangouts, of youth group times, of merely growing up, experiencing life, and understanding more of my world. Oh, the innocence of it all. I had life too well.

It is hard to look ahead when such fond memories are all around, though I feel as if it is my time now. Different, that is for sure, but this stage will be one I look fondly back upon as well. Here's to a good one.

Return

I have returned from my great saga and am quite pissed that an ocean isn't outside of my window anymore :o). There has been much contemplation and consideration of life and cruise-endom in my little brain in the last few days, and in time hopefully I will share all of these thoughts and various perspectives that I had on this relatively new phenomena. But for now, I must sleep, as I have 12 hours of hungry customers to please tomorrow at my wonderful job that is a server at The Franklin Chop House. Maybe I'll see you there?

An Absence

I am currently in Montgomery, AL, sitting in the dark while the rest of my family is counting sheep, staring into this bright light to inform the world that I will be unavailable for the next week. I will be on quite a large boat, stuffing myself with as much food as I can fit into my body, and soaking in the warm sun. It's my first cruise, and I am quite excited. I'll be sure to update everyone when I get back!

End of Year Shenanigans

And yes, that is the proper spelling of "shenanigans."

The time required for amnesty, as well as my personal safety, has finally elapsed, and I can now with ease of mind post these scandalous pictures. That's right, this is what happens when you are an RA at Belmont and have loving friends.




The full slideshow has been posted on my facebook. Befriend me if you have yet to already!

TOMS Revisited.

When it rains, it pours, so they say.

I never really got that phrase. Partly because I like rain so much. So if its pouring, all the better, I say!

All that arbitrary introduction to tell you that since I posted about TOMS on Sunday, I've been seeing the company pop up everywhere, including on the good ol' blogosphere.

Seth Godin, the marketing guru, has a post about it here. Which raises some interesting conversation, I think.

I personally don't think Blake has set up his business model this way to be able to create a market buzz. I believe he genuinely cares about the cause, partly because I have a friend in NYC that knows him personally.

But I do think it's interesting how attractive it does look to the world when Kingdom ideals are put on display. It's so revolutionary it's something that people WANT to talk about. And THAT makes great marketing, even if it wasn't completely on purpose.

I wonder at the potential of the kind of buzz that would result in this world if we all put Kindom ideals on display.

Just a thought.



Some GOOOOOOD posts have been put up in the last few days from the 40 Day Fast. See the links on the sidebar to the right!

On Rain and DJs

Rainy days are keen to me. Especially when spent in a local coffee shop by a window. And in this particular one, the rain on the outside is being matched on the inside by the rain of some hip-hop beat of sorts falling from above. And listening to it reminds me of the newly discovered yearning in my heart to become a DJ. Yes, I said it. Or typed it, rather. It's a bit odd for me, I know, but it's true. I've had two very fateful encounters with DJs this summer, both of which left a lasting imprint on my heart. Followed by the stunning admission by one of my best, equally un-DJ-esque, friends, who knew nothing of my hidden desire, that he, in fact, too would love to be a DJ. And so, I ponder at these quickly evaporating puddles how long I will actually entertain such silly ideas, and when I will actually grow up and become boring and stale. Because that's what you're supposed to do, right? Hah.. how bitter I can choose to be. I'm really not like that. Or at least, I hope I'm becoming a person not like that. Because that's what is important, right? Not the person you are, but the person you are becoming. And that's why I will someday be a DJ and not boring and stale.

My Immediate Past and Future

My time in the mountains and Maryville (pronounced Murvul :o) ) was fantastic, and I'm sad to leave those people behind. These last three days of work have been tiring, and here I am typing this post at 2 in the morning when I have to be ready to greet hundreds of kids anxious for camp at 6:30 in the morning tomorrow. It's gonna be another long day tomorrow, but worth it. For the next 5 days, I will be a camp counselor, and thus, there will be no life on this blog. Feel free to leave your gamut of comments for me to sort through when I return, as I've left enough posts tonight for you to have some options :o). I will be back in full swing by the 4th of July, and I can't wait to see all that happens until then.

As for the 40 Day fast, Stephanie has today's post. I'll be sure to link to all the posts that I will miss by being at camp when I return.

Be good without me, blogosphere. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

The Good/The Bad

The Good:
Rob Bell has new tour dates. This one's called The Gods Aren't Angry Tour.
The Bad:
I must wait till November 29th and drive 3 hours. Don't think I won't be there, though.


The Bad:
Shane Claiborne's The Simple Way, as well as the houses and belongings of many in his community, tragically burned down on Thursday.
The Good:
People are generous.


The Good:
The U.N. reached a reasonable peacekeeping deal for Darfur that was actually accepted by Khartoum.
The Bad:
The U.S. might jeopardize the whole thing by failing to pay our pledged money.

Thoughts, June 17, 10:45PM

This summer feels like no summer I've summed before. It's good, albeit confusing in its unidentifiability. My body was dragged home after work by my soul, not because it didn't belong there, but because it was simply too exhausted to move. I plead guilty to not having the energy I should have during a wonderful dinner with my dad to properly celebrate the hero he has been to me, and promptly afterwards I moved myself to the hammock for a warm nap. Waking up 20 minutes letter, I decided the Spirit told me to move inside, and two more hours of dinosaurs, flying, and interesting mashups of friends visited me in my dreams. And when I woke, there was much rejoicing. And thus I've been sitting on my bed, catching up on blogs I've let pile up in that digital cloud. I'm ingesting some incredible chocolate cake that my mom made for my dad today alongside a trusty glass of my skim milk, and come to think of it, metaphorically speaking the cake is actually icing ON the cake of the horrid diet I have graced myself with today: 2 slices of cold pizza for breakfast, an ice cream oreo pie from The Chop House for lunch, and a feast from the good ol' Famous Dave's for dinner. Perhaps it will help as tomorrow I yet again will lift a little bar over and over again in hopes of making my wee arm a little less wee-like. I had no idea how hard it was to gain weight. Jeez... But no worries now, I am indulging in the gift of new music that summer has bestowed -- Ryan Adams, The New Pornographers, Immaculate Machine -- letting the notes gracefully flood my ears. And I am wondering if I have enough of that creative juice, energy, force, whatever you would like to call it, etc. to actually start AND finish one of the creative endeavors that are spinning around between those neurons and synapses. I have a nagging tendency to get halfway through before that aforementioned "stuff" runs out. Hmm... Perhaps we'll see. Looking at my list of "Summer To Do's" I made the last week of school is depressing. I'd rather blog instead. Or watch another masterpiece of this man:

Wes Anderson, release your next one already!

My Second Semester as a Playlist

I know it's long, but it's been a meaningful semester. Full of change and growth. I've highlighted a few lines for you, so I hope you enjoy. Despite how it may appear, it's really been a positive, optimistic semester. Oh summer, what songs will you bear?


1. The Freshmen -- The Verve Pipe
"For the life of me I cannot remember, what made us think we were wise and we'd never compromise...We were merely freshmen."

2. Hero (Bonus Track) -- Regina Spektor
"I'm the hero of this story, don't need to be saved."

3. The Movers and the Shakers -- Herbert
"Don't wanna fight for a feeling."

4. Existence -- Kevin Max
"What is this, this mess of my existence?"

5. Am I Wry? No -- Mew
"Can you tell me exactly how I should have done?"

6. Dog Problems -- The Format
"And blame postmodern things I can't relate."

7. Pistol -- Dustin Kensrue
"Honey, you lay me bare."

8. Many Lives for 49 MP -- Final Fantasy
"He keeps a book of photographs of his younger self."

9. Uh-Merica (Bonus Version) -- Regina Spektor

10. Thin Blue Flame -- Josh Ritter
"If what's loosed on earth will be loosed upon high, it's a hell of a heaven we must go to when we die"

11. Wake Up - Arcade Fire
"We're just a million little gods causing rainstorms."

12. The Zookeeper's Boy -- Mew
"Answer me truthfully, do the clouds kiss you?"

13. Heart Made of Sound -- SoftLightes
"They could want you, but they don't need to want you."

14. Engwish Bwudd -- Man Man
"All I want to be is a shubbly bubbly gobbly goo.."

15. Alright (Ratatat remix) -- Memphis Bleek

16. Nothin' No -- David Vandervelde
"I remember every word that you said"

17. Stop This Train -- John Mayer
"I know I can't, but honestly, won't someone stop this train?"
(but pretty much the entire song is golden...)

18. Everything Starts Where It Ends -- Lovedrug
"When nobody wants you in their life..."

19. The Wrong Guy -- Julie Doiron
"No one should see this."

20. Sad, Sad Song -- M. Ward
"The hardest thing in the world to do, is to find somebody believes in you."

21. Borderline -- Sufjan Stevens
"Don't put up your borderline."

22. Perhaps She'll Wait -- Bebo Norman
"But I will dream of tomorrow, where perhaps she'll wait for me."

23. His Guiding Hand (Album) -- Medicine Head

24. Thieving -- Lovedrug
"We're all in love with stolen hearts."

25. Me, Violin and Dancing Bear -- Page France
"They want a crooked-er you and a crooked-er me."

26. Click Click Click Click -- Bishop Allen
"You've ended up in someone else's frame."

27. Damnit Anna -- The Morning Benders
"Can't you look me in the eyes?"

28. Waking Up Before Her -- Groom
"Replacing your face will be only half the battle."

29. I'll Believe in Anything -- Wolf Parade
"Oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here."

30. You're Supposed To Be My Friend -- 1990s
"We're supposed to get along."

31. These Are the Eyes -- Bodies of Water
"You forgave but I cannot forget."

32. Billy Brown -- Mika
"Gonna shake the water out of every nook."

33. Big Boat -- M. Ward
"Says he's got a big boat but it's just a fairy boat and that makes for a short, short ride."

34. Coffee and Cigarettes -- Augustana
"Till Spring, when the sun can finally be free."

35. Mr. Disgrace -- Luke Temple
"He'd never written a poem."
"If only they knew where everything starts in a world made of too many parts."

36. Yolanda Hayes -- Fountains of Wayne
"Who can you trust with your love these days?"

37. A Savior On Capital Hill -- Derek Webb
"There's never been a savior on Capital Hill."

38. Step Forward -- Cloud Cult
"When you finally know you can't know, step forward."

39. Springfield, Or Bobby Got a Shadfly Caught in His Hair -- Sufjan Stevens
"I don't care to say what I failed to recognize."
"The morning papers made the most of nothing at all."
"I took off my clothes and she took it for a holiday."

40. Middleman -- Bright Eyes
"The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly. The rest of us do what we must in constant compromise."

41. Stay Sound -- Steve Moakler
"All I can ask of you is that you not forget about me."
"You be the gun I'll be the trigger finger. We'll start a war..."

42. Colorshow -- The Avett Brothers
"Be loud let your colors show."

43. Fiend Over Your Knees -- Thee, Stranded Hourse

44. Marion Barfs -- Clint Mansell

45. Going To A Town -- Rufus Wainwright
"Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having love?"
"I'm so tired of you, America."

46. Racing Like A Pro -- The National
"Oh my God it doesn't mean a lot to you."

47. Selling Advertising -- David Bazan
"I know it's hard to be original. In fact, nothing scares me more, because Jesus only lets me do what's already been done before."

48. Brotherhood of Man -- The Innocence Mission
"This is the brotherhood of man."

49. This Too Shall Be Made Right -- Derek Webb
"And this too shall be made right."

50. Walken -- Wilco
"I was talking to myself, about you."

51. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah -- Jeremy Casella
"Land me safe on Canaan's side. Bid my anxious fears, goodbye."

A Perusal and a Discovery

It is funny how past words can light a present fire. And so as I ventured into my journal of words that come from a now dead world, I find the world not as dead as I would have been led to believe. The words are still alive, somehow conjuring up neuron firings and synapses that result in an image of me being much more alive in that dead world than I am in the one that is playing before me. And so, these arrangements of spaces and letters have some mystic element to them. They have the ability to inspire, and to thrust old meaning and new meaning together upon the beholder. Somehow they are able to speak more truth into the time that is completely foreign to them than to even the era in which they were originally composed. And so in honor of their sacred power, I will repost them exactly as they were over a year ago. Perhaps they can affect you as they affected me...again?


Wednesday, September 14, 2005:
life is beautiful. life is a gift. life is the ups and downs. sometimes it's crappy and boring and stressful. sometimes it's fun and exotic and contagious. the rhythm of it. the beat of it. it's everything woven together so intricately. it's everything how it's supposed to be. not only that, it's everybodies crappys and borings and stressfulls and funs and exotics and contagiouses all intertwined. it's a beautiful collage of God's inventions and wirings. life is not a b****. life is not a grade. life is not a happy. life is not a smile. life is being fully alive. heaven is here. now. grab it. life is a holy discontent. life is a battle. life is a tension. life is a choice. to live is to love. to live is to be dirt on the underside of a shoe. life happens when there's nowhere lower to fall. when you're the servant of all. isn't it funny how the way life has been programmed to work? what we think we want the most, just doesn't help. and getting it in red or a size bigger or 21 points and two letters higher won't help either. He's written in the very way life functions and exists. life is our common assumptions inverted. blessed are the nothings. life is gravity. gravity is grace. and grace is a beautiful thing. life is beautiful.

my life right now is a tension between:

the memories i just want to relive, driven by the reluctance and doubt that im actually here at this point.... and ....the lonely feeling that i just don't belong here anymore and need to start a new phase of my life. in my head my identity is trapped in the past or future. where's the present? i have many times in the last 5 years thought of this time in my existence and determined what it would be like. i've turned out to be a very bad fortune teller...

i can be dragged through the day or drag the day around where i want it. :o)